Do You Love Me?

"Do you love me?", the voice gently asks as I lay in bed. I am alone and it is late when I hear that tiny voice ask such a big, loaded question. I know what it is really asking is, "Do you love yourself, Lissa?". Well, do I?

I cannot respond to that question with a clear cut, 'yes' because as of right now, I do not love myself. At least not the way that I should love myself. I would say I'm sorry but would I really mean it? Would I feel remorse for not treating myself the way I should be treated? Probably not. At least I am honest about the fact that I do not love myself the way I should. Loving myself has been something that I have struggled with for so long that it seems like second nature. Now, I'm sure that isn't something to be proud of or happy about but it is a fact and why deny the facts.

There was once a time where I loved myself. Unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I loved myself with every fibre of my being. My flaws were celebrated and I had a light that shone so bright that I was sure you could see it from outer space. My love for self showed in everything that I did and anyone who dared to gaze my way could see that I was a happy-go-lucky, loving myself kind of gal. Where has that girl gone? Why am I having such a hard time finding her? I want need to find her again. 

I need to get back to appreciating myself the way I should. I need to relearn to move myself from the inside out. How can I expect someone else to love and respect me if I cannot love and respect myself? I need to get back to that place where I celebrated myself; where I wasn't hard on myself for making mistakes and where I believed that anything was possible. I miss that happy girl who used to smile back at me in the mirror every day. 

So today, I vow to start doing more things for me. Some may say that it sounds selfish but I cannot rely on someone else to take care of me. I need to take care of myself. I need to stop spreading myself thin and beating myself up about things that I cannot change. I need to take small, positive steps to loving myself: doing things that I love to do and not being afraid to say 'No' when necessary. I need to get back to being the most authentic me that I can possibly be and that starts with taking care of myself first. 

Learning to love myself again seems a daunting task. It will not be an easy journey but it is one that I am looking forward to taking.

- Lissa xx